We all want healthy, meaningful relationships. Understanding who you are and knowing your needs and desires are the foundation to building strong connections and lasting relationships. In order to successfully thrive in a relationship, you must bring yourself whole and healthy to the union: spirit, mind, soul, body, and all elements of your being. This wholeness will allow you to step into a relationship with confidence and courage to express your needs and desires with clarity and to know when those needs are or are not being met. Becoming self-aware is a process and life-long journey. Don’t expect perfection. Give yourself time and grace to learn and grow. If each person has done self-awareness work upfront, it will allow for a smooth start to the initial connection and foundation for building stronger connections.
Self-awareness starts with what I refer to as, “self things first.” Self first, yes! It might go against traditional teachings of others first, but in the context of building strong relationships, you must start with you first. It sounds selfish, however, “self things first” suggests the importance of you first studying yourself (self-assessment and introspection) to better understand how and why you are who you are. It is looking at the “woman in the mirror” and accepting who she is and open to changing those parts that might hinder who she wants to become. Self-awareness is defined as knowledge and awareness of your own personality or character. (source: merriam-webster.com). It is defined by another source as “…having an understanding of your own thoughts, feelings, values, beliefs, and actions. It means that you understand who you are, what you want, how you feel, and why you do the things that you do.” (source: verywellmind.com by Kendra Cherry, March 10, 2023).
Here are some tips to help you start your self-awareness journey:
- Designate specific quiet time to meditate and revisit your past. Revisiting your past is about understanding and identifying some character and personality traits and behaviors that might have shaped your thought processes, actions, and belief system…good or not-so-good, it is okay. Understanding root causes will give you clarity. If revisiting your past is a trauma trigger, consider doing this exercise with a mental health professional or in a small group setting of trusted people that is a safe space for you to get emotional support. Journal your feelings, insights and thoughts.
- Journal your thoughts of your strengths and not-so-strong qualities. Be open and honest. Use 2 separate sheets of paper, make 2 columns. On the first page, put the heading “I Function Best When I Am”. On the second paper, put the heading, “I Am Aware That I Am”. This is a time of self-discovery, so take your time when journaling. After you have finished this journaling exercise, ask a trusted friend who is in a healthy relationship to do the exercise from their perspective or to share what she/he feels are your strengths and potential areas of improvement. Discuss with your trusted friend your thoughts about the importance of self-awareness in relationships and how you might cultivate self-awareness into your daily life. For example, giving thought to what you say before you say it, jotting down possible consequences (good or not-so-good) before you act.
- Be open to celebration and change. Celebrate the items you identified on the left side of the papers. Be open to using your strengths to achieve personal goals and aspirations. Strengths work well in relationships when each other’s strengths compliment each other’s not-so-strong qualities. Together, you work to successfully navigate those aspects. Find creative ways to compliment each other’s differences, like alternating who leads in coordinating making decisions.
Decide if you will change or improve the behaviors or character traits that you identified on the right side of the columns. Those could potentially hinder building connection with a partner. For example, if you identified some unhealthy controlling behaviors, decide to get professional help or take small steps to trust others with leadership in other relationships like with your age-appropriate children, family, co-workers, and friends.
Identify your top 5 needs and desires and why they are important to you. What are your needs and desires that will come from yourself? What are your needs and desires that you want to be fulfilled by your partner? Here are some examples to consider:
- I need a partner whose character traits are:
- I need to know who I am because:
- I need to respect that I am:
- I need daily ________ from my partner.
- I need to make my partner feel:
- I need to feel from my partner:
- I need to respect my partner’s:
- I need my partner to know these expectations:
- I need clarity about my _______ before I start a relationship.
- I need these boundaries not to be violated:
- It’s not that serious, so I need to relax my thoughts about:
2 Suggested “Need” Affirmations:
“I need to know my love language, communication language, and sex language. I need to know his languages as well. I need to know that I must speak his languages to him, not my language. He needs to know that he must speak my languages to me, not his language.”
“I need to understand that the relationship is not just about me and my needs. I need to honor, value, and respect my mate’s needs.”
The importance of self-awareness in relationships is a major factor in starting a union with clarity and understanding and building a relationship with a solid sense of who you are in order to thrive in the relationship with an informed perspective of your needs and desires. It will also allow you to better respect your partner’s perspective, knowing he has done his self-awareness work and understands his needs and desires. The key is working together to strengthen the connection. Becoming self-aware is a process and life-long journey. Don’t expect perfection. Give yourself time and grace to learn and grow. Try to enjoy the process!
Author’s Bio:
Janice J. Burton, also known as “The Marriage Planning Mogul” is a contributing writer for Care Collective Firm, Speaker, Writer, Author, and Relationship Expert & Coach whose mission is to empower relationships and equip singles and engaged couples have healthy, meaningful relationship and to prepare and plan fo marriage. Her book, “DO I? Questions To Answer Before You Say “I DO” is a marriage planning resource encouraging self-assessment and introspection before couples say “I DO” and was written from her 23 years marriage experience and testimony of marrying at 22 years old not prepared. She is the Founder and CEO of Janice J. Burton Enterprises LLC based in the Greater Austin, TX area.
Learn more, book speaking and coaching by accessing her digital business card https://10000cards.com/card/janicejburton or visiting her website https://doithebook.com/services
